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Influence & Feeling Valid

Life sometimes includes situations that unfold in such a way that they influence me to question my own validity. I know I’m unique, but I’m not THAT unique that no one else is like me. So maybe this resonates with you?

I had a really not very significant situation the other day, that was a very familiar theme in my history. I had reached out to a friend that I was concerned about with all the storm activity to check in and let them know I was thinking of them. Their response was brief and I didn’t get a sense from their response that they received my care and concern. I felt invalidated. Let’s look at the meanings To be valid is to be valued, to have worth. To be invalid is to not have worth or value and therefore at risk for survival in the hardwired parts of our brain. So, it’s understandably jarring when something lights up that feeling of being invalid or invalidated. And if it relates to experiences that are similar from our history, then it will naturally connect them making it a much bigger stimulus.

Recognizing capacity in ourselves and others is paramount! We all have varying degrees of capacity to hold discomfort, uncertainty, etc., and still be stable within ourselves and present with those around us. Do we know or have a sense of our own capacity around these feelings? Do we feel able to “be” with these kinds of feelings and still be grounded, centered, and/or keep the faith? Great to know. Secondly, how are we at recognizing the capacity of others? Perhaps someone we live with, work with, a friend or family member? It is so helpful (to everyone) if we can recognize this piece and avoid the unrealized expectations (aka frustration) or feel a broken trust, betrayal, or some other unpleasant and unproductive sensation run through us! Let’s explore this further on our call Saturday…

Sensation vs narration or feeling the feelings vs the story –

There is a distinct difference between feeling the feeling sensations,… and activating the story or narration of “what happened.” Feeling the actual sensations in our body connects us to our inner intelligence and replaying the what happened takes us to our thoughts and out of our body. In our thoughts we are likely to follow assumptions, engage our ego and any fears, insecurities, or unhealed wounds that are needing attention.

When we feel the feeling sensations that are connected to the experience it is grounding and adds an expansive and even relaxing state to our experience. Imagine a little child that has a fear or pain, just by your presence with them to care, witness, and love them is very calming. It also builds confidence in them to do the same for themselves.

“We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.” And as we calm our nervous systems, our capacity expands. And in turn, we become those who have more capacity for others too.

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Reclaim Who You REALLY Are

Astrologically, March 2023 is one of those moments in time that we will come back to again and again. Whether or not something concrete happens in your life – this is when major seeds are being planted. This is when completely new chapters in your life are being written.

On March 2nd, Venus is conjunct Jupiter. This particular Venus-Jupiter conjunction is a bit different. Venus and Jupiter also conjunct Chiron; this time, the emphasis is on healing our emotional and relationship wounds. The triple Venus-Jupiter-Chiron conjunction is an incredible opportunity to reclaim yourself.

I’m feeling it, are you? I have had a number of encounters and conversations with friends that have had a common theme and question. Do we know who we are, really – not just our image or our stats?

I look at you and see a strong, experienced, resilient, loving and beautiful woman! And yet the one thing all of us can relate to is self criticism, lack of confidence, or some fashion of insecurity. Myself included! From a spiritual perspective, we know the measurements are different. First of all, the physical body, although our temple for sure; is not going to be measured by what our culture deems “sexy” or youthful for example. This has always been a safe haven for me because of just that. And yet we are physical beings interacting productively with other physical beings and we’re aware of how our appearance, including our intentional “regalia” speaks volumes about who we are.

What are the steps or pieces involved to reclaim who we really are? Number 1 – Being who we truly are authentically is essential for integrity, communication to others responsibly, self care and self acceptance (which may include self forgiveness), and self confidence. (This can mean different things to different people.)

Number 2 – Being willing to objectively recognize our value; including strengths, experience, skills, aptitudes, and innate personal power. I have learned the immense value of trusted and integrious friends for help with this one. We all have some familiarity with ego, the mind, and the committee inside and how often there is a subjectivity here that is impossible to sort accurately in a vacuum.

Number 3 – Being unencumbered to contribute our personally with perspectives, words of wise encouragement, offers to help, to witness and not help, to bring boundary consciousness to the forefront, or to take the action needed. This is the path of the elder; at any age. This is also seen as a leadership role whether or not it has been authorized by others. Some of us would call this empowerment.

I think we’d all agree that we are living in times of accelerated transformation. And although evolution has been and will be an ongoing process, I think it’s also true that there are stages within any process that set them apart. I see this time as a time of creatively birthing a new culture, one person at a time. Each of us are physical being made up of many cells doing different functions with an intelligence of the whole and a common goal of LIVING. I see the humans on the planet, or for that matter – the Earth itself, the same way. We are different, and those differences can be in harmony or discord, affecting the experience and supporting our learning and growth.

I’ve always loved the phrase “charity starts at home” especially from the perspective of my-Self as my home. Michael Jackson’s song “The Man in the Mirror” echos this beautifully. The best way to help anyone else, the only sustainable way; is to first tend ourselves to the point that we are well and in harmony on all levels. I’m not speaking about the ultimate “perfection” according to anyone else. I’m speaking about “perfect” as an ongoing balance that is reflected back to ourselves.

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Beauty Inside & Out

As the Earth continues to teach about change, we move from the depths of winter toward Spring. Here at my house, all of the rain that dumped almost a full years worth of water in the space of a few weeks, has transformed my backyard into a flower garden. Beauty, once again, is abundant!

The seasons fold one into the other and the years can slip by. In the process of living, it is understandable that we need to “catch up” with ourselves; to bring things current or to “collect” all of our parts while shedding what is no longer supporting our wellness. I mentioned to a friend recently that when I look into the mirror I don’t recognize myself. And she said “Well, for the past several years you’ve been focusing your attention on the inside. So that makes sense.” And it does make sense! I am ready to do some much needed catching up with myself. I feel the need to claim my sovereignty and upgrade my “measuring tools,” focused attention, and intentions. Using the measurements of 20+ years ago has me always coming up short, and that just isn’t accurate anyway.

Boundaries… Still? Yep this is a perfect application for some internal boundaries to be put to work. Using Nature as a template, nothing stands still. “All is in motion” and becoming something else, more, different. That includes us! Being in the flow of life and in the “thriving” lane, will be aligned with our continual awareness and provision of these shifts. Boundaries are essentially the delineation of how much or how little of something. It’s a dividing line, if you will.

The things that we allow or set as a priority is correlated to what tends to happen. Tracking this for ourselves will inform us a great deal. When I have a tight schedule and not enough time for everything I want to do, what tends to drop? Yep, something I can “live without”. Of course that is part of any adult life from time to time. But, tracking myself I will become aware that this is a pattern, it repeats like a habit. That is not sustainable. That may stem from a belief that we are not “as important” as the other… DEI (diverse, equitable and inclusive) refers to us too!! And every choice or value judgement will reflect our bias.

Tending to our “Energy Tank” is also paramount. What adds to yours? Is it a priority? Turns out, the most beneficial aspects of well being are the least complicated. Our minds have a knack for controversy and complication. Consider the power of silence. Sitting in silence or meditation even 5 to 10 minutes each day will cultivate a profound resiliency, as we claim our inner terrain and its calm centering there. And, as caregivers and women, we are an influencer on others. What are we modeling? Hmmm? If we treat ourselves with love, respect and equability; we give others “permission” to do the same and maybe some ideas as to HOW to do that.

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Every Step is Part of the Journey

Life has become very full and very fast. I have several collaborative and intentionally restorative relationships that I am active in, and of late I have been made aware of a theme. It has to do with respect, or rather not feeling that I am being respected. I am aware that this theme has been a long time companion of mine through many circumstances, ages, and relationships. To be clear, I practice accommodation, I habitually accommodate the needs of others.

I realize it has helped me keep the “peace”, to smooth things over, and stabilize situations for myself and others that I care about. And, I am continually in the position to accommodate others who don’t keep agreements to show up or who cut corners. As long as I am willing to accommodate, there will be a reliance on me to do so. Now, I’m beginning to understand that my respect and willingness to support others’ needs is in some ways a disrespect and lack of support for me. I need to find a new dance step or new partners to dance with!! As with most things, I realize that I hold the power; the power of awareness, choice within any situation. This is not about blaming the other or the circumstance; aka. a pity party.

Have you ever felt like you’d really like to learn something or pursue a career in a particular area, or follow a calling, except that life circumstances won’t permit it? And have you ever challenged that? Like, why not? Who’s stopping you? Well, I have and it turns out in my case, that I am the one stopping me. I’m stopping me from branching out, expanding or exploring because of how my absence will impact others or how I will meet resistance. It’s clear to me that my self respect hasn’t been adequate and that is the missing piece, rather than others’ lack of respect for me. But how does that work?

When I operate in the world from a belief system )conscious or not) that I am inadequate, not worthy, or other labels like these, I become aligned with that energy. In a Nature example I might put out the “Omega” vibe rather than the other end of the spectrum the “Alpha” vibe. This is only for illustrative purposes. I’m not suggesting that instead I pretend or act as if; although I have no judgement if that works for others. What I am suggesting is that I align myself with my own respect, without a dependency on other to do so for me to feel respected. Such as, notice my emotional or physical feelings after a scenario unfolds, to notice the subtle ques in my body and heart. Maybe something is feeling unresolved and my mind is turning it over and over as if to figure out “what’s wrong”. This may be an indicator that I have something to take a look at on my part that was injurious in some way to the other, or to myself. And, it may be a situation where I have not spoken of my needs or boundaries that resulted in them not being recognized. With that awareness I can identify what might have worked better and be ready the next time. I might also choose to use this as a learning experience and communicate how I’m feeling to my friend or colleague. It is a bit vulnerable but an open-hearted investment into the relationship. And it’s fair to note that some relationships are not at a level of significance for this type of investment.

With my awareness and attention to my-Self, I can also review and renew my role as primary sovereign and check how I have been respecting myself. How DO I respect myself? I know it is not my intention to form a hard exterior. That would only hold me in jail inside. I want to cultivate and maintain an identity that is beyond the limits of my personality or chronological age. I want it to encompass my soul and spirit, my values, what I stand for and hold that as my guide posts of what I align to and hold myself accountable for.

How do YOU respect yourself?

This level of curiosity, awareness, and personal responsibility can be challenging at times. It causes a dip in energy and perspective; we might not be feeling as loving or optimistic as other times. This is certainly true for me. And when I’m in a low point, I want to have tenderness and respond with love and compassion rather than to try quick fixes or try to hide it while stuffing it deeper inside. I want to remind myself that I came here for a reason, I matter, I am valid and worthy just by “being” – and not because of what I do, produce, or are approved of by others. This, this is also part of my journey here and part of what I am here to learn. This is an essential part of the freedom and autonomy I seek. In some ways it actually facilitates what it is I am dreaming of and calling in, it helps ready me to receive that which I deeply desire. “I am willing. I say YES to life. I am open to learning how to connect, understand and cherish myself with the love and respect I deserve.”

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Opening to Synchronicity

I’m open to synchronicity. I love glancing at the clock and it’s 11:11, or 12:12, or 3:33! It gives me a thrill to think that at just that moment, I had the impulse to look! Like what is that about? Is it a sign that relates to information downloads or a message of some kind? What is it when we think of someone and then they call? Or we’re getting dressed for our day, flash on a person or situation we encounter that day only to say to ourselves “Why did I think that?”. I am not here to tell you what these things mean; that’s for you to decide for yourself. What I would like to offer this gathering is about subtlety, subtle energy and how we can play with it.

We are a composite of energy and matter that is in constant vibration. A lie detector test which we’ve likely seen on TV before, is a crude example of how our energy or vibration can be measured or viewed. It fluctuates, there is a rhythm, and accompanying “feelings”. Often times there is a feeling of uneasiness that can’t be logically explained. I remember while living in San Jose, I went to visit a friend at an apartment complex one day. I parked in the parking lot and as I was walking to her building I had a strange sensation; my footsteps stopped with my left foot in mid-air. As I noticed this and I looked down; where my foot would have stepped down – was a young coiled snake, basking in the sun! Whoa! How did my body know what “I” was unaware of??

Turns out that our body is a big receiving dish of sorts. We “know” things at a body level that we cognitively don’t know yet. Amazing huh? It is an innate awareness that can be influenced through our life experience. This awareness is very different than “thought” or words. And the measuring of it doesn’t work the same as linear thought or matter does. This might make it harder to put into words, but no less real.

There is much awareness around self care these days and it’s certainly a worthwhile endeavor. Our being is influenced by our physical environment, and also by the psychological environment we live in, etc. And, it is influenced by where we focus our attention. There’s a saying “Where your attention goes, will grow” and “What you resist will persist”. This may be the ultimate aspect of self-care! I think this is something we’ve all had some form of experience with.

When I “see” my body as my holy antenna, my sensory organ; there are a couple of things that are apparent to me right away. My receptivity is very different when I am first awake compared to when I am super tired, or when I am scared vs relaxed. I also notice an internal aspect to those examples that are perhaps farther reaching still. My receptivity to subtle energy is thoroughly impacted when I tell myself “I must be wrong, again” or when I notice something and stay neutral and open to it. You might say that actually all of our senses are affected by whether we have preconceived judgements or open neutrality. It took me so long to lessen my habit of telling myself negative or unsupportive comments that I had heard others tell me! At some point I realized “Oh, they didn’t know or understand it and were just trying to protect me”. Okay, that makes more sense. Shifting from the “Am I” to the “I Am” can be both subtle and complete.

I am practicing cultivating a comfortable feeling inside my body these days. It can be noticing that I am safe, or that I need a shawl or blanket, it could be feeling the amazing feeling of a breath coming deep inside me fully. I’ve been asking for more pleasure in my life, less struggle, fear and anxiety. I think at first I had a mental picture or expectation of what that would look like. And at times, it felt like a struggle to call to mind all of the things that had stress around them, to then let them go! Another “to-do” item on my daily list… But, taking it slower, loosening my grip on the list of things I “have to do” and really giving my attention over to the sweet pleasures within my day like seeing my cat curled up in the patio chair, listening to the birds outdoors, or just stopping all thought to be still for a moment of not-knowing; has been rejuvenating. And I feel like my “senses” are more awake somehow (or the dull roar is quiet enough to hear the small voice within). I feel it an act of empowerment to cultivate the vibration I carry with me. I’m also very interested in the creative aspects related to the way we feel as I move through my life… Hmmm. More mystery!

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Empowerment is Personal

We’ve been talking about equality; with ourselves and others, and looking at a few of the practical aspects of each type of situation.

I think it’s fair to say that there can be and are a variety of perspectives too. And of course, none are wrong. However, it may become clear that alignment exists more with one person or situation more than another. 

I want to look at the piece around the point when we now have clarity of a misalignment with a friend, colleague, or family member. This us where the choice is. This is the “power” point that will be pivotal.

For some of us, we’ve been conditioned to conform to others expectations instead of our own sense of integrity or what feels supportive for ourselves. This practice creates a sort of blind spot and we overlook our choices in the matter. But with practice, support and encouragement with clarity, compassion, and willingness to learn we will adapt our awareness and skills.

Noticing in the moment, by some means (a physical or emotional feeling, a familiar dynamic or situation, or inner guidance of some kind), we can exercise intentional creativity. This stage is both powerful and rewarding, and can light up aspects of needed release of those people or interactions to clear space for healing. 

Personally, I recently had an experience with friends that I realized I was out of integrity with. I don’t want to “divorce” these friends but I recognize a need for a different alignment. I can honor my love and care for them, for myself and have my focus be on the most aligned circumstance now. This perspective makes it easier to problem solve!

So, at this point in my situation, I’ve gotten clear there needs to be a realignment for me and gotten clear on what specific aspects that need to shift and now. I’m aware that this is important enough to not be rushed too, so I’m allowing myself the time and space to flesh it out without abandoning it. And now I get to choose how and when to speak with my friends and disclose my needs to those involved. And there is a grief that arises, I’m aware that something is ending. A loss of an expectation or a dream is still a loss. It will help me to be clear about that rather than associate grief as an indicator of something I shouldn’t be doing or some abuse at the hands of another.

Much of the time when I feel “stuck” it’s related to indecision, not being willing to act on what I know is true for me. So with my upgraded commitment of Self-Care, I apply action to intention in this area for myself. I can cultivate my relationship with my-Self around trust and dependability by taking the role of the one who listens, pay attention, cares and protects my own needs rather than projecting that role onto another less appropriate person. Give voice to and audience with those parts that feel “pinched” in some way; restoring loss of energy and softening my edges.

This particular situation for me happens to be one where once I’ve unearthed the details around my feelings, needs, and intentions for going forward do not require a confrontation and agreement by any one outside of me. It is simply an act of personal empowerment. The personal showing up with me, myself, and I; to responsibly respond to the situation. I don’t need” someone outside myself to “understand” or behave differently for me to feel ok. I can rely on myself for those needs to be met.

Wouldn’t it be GREAT to discover that much of the sensation of being “trapped” was related to staying in our previous limited state? Like the Tarot card 8 of Swords depicted by an image of a woman blindfolded, loosely bound in cloth and standing alone in front of a sort of fence of swords on both sides of her. She is submitting to this “trapped” situation and can free herself easily. She can escape on any side of the fence of swords. But unchecked, she assumes she is trapped and behaves so. This card is about the call to empowerment. Choosing for ourselves to be the one “response”- able.

I offer this perspective to each of you for your consideration in hopes that we may share many perspectives on the topic of self-care and personal response – ability.

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Equality with Self

 I’d like to explore another type of equality; the one with ourselves. I think there is much more focus on equality with others than with self. What does that even mean; “inequality with Self”? Well, it might look like unfairness, being taken advantage of, or disrespected in some way. Seeing ourselves as equals when it comes to how we are treating ourselves, basically. When we don’t see ourselves as equal worth, we see the other as superior. There may be an assessment that we have few to no options to an abusive situation. And perhaps when we were children, that was the case.

Many of us are caregivers, mothers, helpers, givers of many sorts. And some of us have conditioning from home and upbringing that carry undertones of limitation, obligation and judgement. Others may have been influenced by social settings, school, tv, etc. In our current stage of life, when we want to fully express who we are and our highest potential, the old patterns and effects of conditioning can feel limiting, frustrating, and keep us feeling stuck. In this group, we have created a collaborative container of safety, compassion and acceptance. Choosing safe and supportive environments is a sign of personal power and worth. So if you are willing to explore this a little further together, let’s see what we can find.

I was molested as a child. My perpetrators were my father, a clergyman in my place of worship and the family doctor. All positions of great authority. There was trauma for me. I felt unsafe, invalidated, and disrespected. And there was no real accountability for my perpetrators. In fact, socially it was acceptable to “inappropriately touch” a girl or woman. And women were ridiculed for objecting to it and “taking it the wrong way”. Think for a moment about what that message was. During a time in our personal development when we are most trying to make sense of our world. Is it any wonder that I have a hard time speaking up when a colleague treats me as though they are entitled to whatever is on my desk, or to change the arrangement of my employment compensation, or when I feel unsafe in my relationship? No, not too far off from what we are “used to”. There’s no shame in this being the case. There is support in sharing our experiences among those we trust and can also learn that we are not alone!

The truth is there is a certain point in our development when it is not supportive to expect or hope to be rescued. Sometimes our life circumstances create so much pressure that we are forced or choose finally to stand up for ourselves, to be our own champion, to draw a line and say “no more”. That my friend, is a sign of LIFE! To treat yourself as equal might mean being a disruptor, there may be differences of opinion with friends and family, and you may show more of your true authentic self. I say, GOOD, and there’s no need to apologize for it. We have every right to claim sovereignty over our body, lives, time, etc. And when we take ourselves seriously, then others may too. (Consider Law of Attraction as it relates here.)

Another sign of life is an increasing sense of awareness about inequality, frustration with it and anger too. These are parts of ourselves that are waking up and letting us know about something that is not okay and needs our attention. If we feel discomfort and feel old patterns of conditioning come up we may be tempted to tamp down those feelings with compliance. But not for long.. The answer is always love. And healing comes from love.
Equality with Self includes maintaining a balance in our life. Things that keep us in balance are sleep, water, downtime or meditation, exercise, time with our circle of support. Those are basic needs and we would understand and respect them for others. But do we respect and protect them for us?

Beyond basic needs we have the right to pursue personal, spiritual, and career interests. I realize I have put my personal interests on the level of optional or luxury to help out a spouse or family member, even an employer. I perhaps assumed if I were of value the other person would treat me differently. That scenario is more inline with a rescue though, right? And rescue leads to dependency. I am interested in right-relationship, collaborative loving relationships based in authenticity. I am willing to invest myself in regenerative practices in all contexts. And I realize it will require some learning how to do things differently. It will be messy sometimes. And it is a process so it will take time

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Limits to Receiving?

If you were given the choice between surviving and living abundantly, which would you choose? We might all choose abundance, of course! But do we choose abundance in our day to day life? Turns out most of us have some form of conditioning that we are not conscious of that causes us to be reluctant to “take too much”, or we feel undeserving of the best/our desires, or perhaps we have judgements that that would be selfish. Where did that originate? There could be many influences but if we look to Nature, in its natural setting we often see pure abundance. Plants that fruit whether they are trees, shrubs, or vines; waste fruit due to abundance! When a plant goes to seed, there are millions of seeds generated! Nature is designed to be abundant. So perhaps “abundance” is part of our true Nature.

If you’re feeling open to living an abundant life now, how do you let the universe know that? How do you “ask” for what you want? Do you have a daily practice or less frequent? How do you personally identify what it is that you want to call in? Is it from a place of need, lack, pleasure, generosity…?Take your time reviewing these queries for yourself. But most importantly, what is your limit to abundance?

I have recently said yes to the exploration of this topic in my life; in a committed way. It seemed like the logical next step after surviving, And once I really looked at it, I found little barbed belief systems that had hard limits. For instance, I know people who seem to have a comfortable lifestyle, freedom to choose how and where they live, and perhaps anything they desire. But when I try to imagine that for myself I meet a great chasm. Something in my identity has limits that don’t stretch that far. When I look at my “heart’s desire” I feel like I need to whisper! What the heck?!

Stigmas around receiving include the idea that if we have abundance others have less. Truth be told, there is enough for everyone. All resources. Love in particular; has no end. In fact; the more you love, the more you love! What generosity would spring from you as you lived abundantly? Money is a resource like any other. It is neutral. I say “it’s math”. We put all of the meaning to it, judgements, beliefs, fears and desperation too. But it’s just math. We have many examples of philanthropy these days. And philanthropy isn’t limited to money either. It can be time, expertise, support, nurturing, etc. Where’s the limit? It’s how we think about it, feel it, and see it, that holds the limits. Somewhere in the mix of limitations to our receiving abundantly is something about disappointment, failure, and rejection perhaps. Could that be true for you?

So, do you know what your limit is to receiving? Can you feel too beautiful, too happy, too secure, or too prosperous? And if you called in abundance for yourself what could you create? Would others benefit from your example, your energy, your healing? I think we all benefit when any of us live abundantly regardless of how much money we have. Living abundantly from our awareness of the sacredness of life, air, water, earth, and love – in their many forms. They are usually the ones that are more calm, aware, and playful. That’s where I am headed. And I’m now healing all those little barbs I encounter along the way, one at a time.

What a gift to have the opportunity to explore this terrain and walk away with some real experiences as my internal reference to be used as tools going forward. I know the nature of being alive brings a variety of opportunities to practice awareness of my patterns in play, the choice point in response, and remembering my willingness which quickly re-centers me in alignment.