We often think of abandonment related to a young child or innocent animal. The situation often includes a careless or unaware caregiver. Like a child who is left behind, not kept safe or nourished, or an animal left behind when the caregiver moves away. 

Abandonment can take place in many ways and in many different situations. It is said that an adult cannot be abandoned because they are capable of taking care of their own needs.
 
I have considered myself a capable person. I have accomplished many notable things in my life. I’ve survived harmful or high risk situations over the years. However, I now am beginning to see how I have abandoned myself.

The symptoms? Well, it could be any number of the following; easy to get along with, easy going, putting others first, and being super helpful. It might also be accompanied by often feeling taken advantage of, frustrated, and unrecognized or unappreciated. Starting to see a pattern? 

How can I expect others to know me if I don’t know myself? How can they see or value my needs if I don’t allow them to because I discount them or deny them myself?! How can I be in alignment with another if I am not in alignment with myself?

Makes sense, right? But does the thought of putting ourselves first start to trigger a sense of selfishness or imbalance? We recognize as caregivers, women are wired to think of the care and needs of others. But isn’t it time for the female archetype to be whole? To be coming from the well of plenty instead of the martyr? I think we can all agree, YES! So, I ask myself, “Now what? What are the differences that make a difference?” Not just the surface stuff… And there are any number of methods someone can use to monitor how they are feeling, identifying their needs, and respond to them in a supportive way. Like noticing when you are pushing too hard and giving yourself a rest, some water, food, or breath. All good.

What if, we were raised throughout our childhood to be of value based solely on our capacity to care for others? Perhaps feed, nurse, encourage, love unconditionally? And there was no value given to self care or in any way being seen of equal value? That was my case. Raised religiously, my identity included being a “helper” to my mate, children, and community; being selfless was considered a virtue. Clearly that design is not sustainable to health and wellness. At age 21 when I seriously contemplated ending my life, I rebelled against it and left the lifestyle it dictated. And my life continued, however; in the depth of my own sense of identity there is a significant fragment that remains containing the aspect of selflessness. And so my wholeness and overall health is compromised. I know I’m not alone in some or all of this experience. Does anything here resonate?

The issue is not around being of service and loving unconditionally. The issue is around not including ourselves in that value system! When we don’t value ourselves fully, we attract people and situations that are aligned with that. Simple. It’s all about alignment and we are using our free will to choose, even if it might not be a conscious choice. So, becoming more conscious of our choices and options available, learning about ourselves by reflecting on our life and the choices, situations, and outcomes; will be supportive – if we do so in a gentle way, without ridicule. You know what I mean. (Easier said than done, and super important.)
So my homework is to notice throughout the day how I am feeling. To take the role of caring for myself by taking a moment to say “How do I feel right now?” and actually listening. To be open to whatever needs I might be aware of and maybe even jotting them down. They may be as simple as taking a break and drinking some water, sitting with my eyes closed and breathing for a minute or three, or they may be more complex than that in which case writing them down is an act of trust and patience. Learning from our “contrasts” is a very useful way to know what we want!

It was never my intention to abandon myself and set up patterns to experience others treating me with carelessness. I forgive myself for the harmful aspects of my life that I am responsible for and although I may not have been willing to listen to my own inner self before, I am here now. I know that my sense of self as a whole, loving, and fully alive being is what my journey has been bringing me to.

As our world moves ever closer to one of racial, social, gender equality – the wholeness of each individual becomes even more paramount. It is the baseline of health and wellness for life.

A human has approximately 206 bones in adulthood, since some of them come together becoming one only with the passage of time, such as the coccyx, which from being 3 vertebrae, becomes one at maturity. The Axial skeleton, composed of the parts that constitute the axis, the axis of the body: Skull, Column and Ribs the Vertebral Column supports the skull from its base, joining it to the rest of the bone structures. The spine is composed of 33 vertebrae, which in some cases join to form one, as we have said about the coccyx. There are 7 Cervical, 12 Trunk, 5 Lumbar vertebrae, plus the Sacrum (6 joined) and the Coccyx (3 joined).  11:11:11, the ascension code. 

More than hollow, our bones are fluid, since the fundamental essence of the circulating blood moves inside them. The bones are the most rigid part of our body, constituting 12% of the human weight, but at the same time, the one that enables its flow and flexibility.  The structure allows flexibility … The paradox of existence.

In biology it is the cartilage and the bones with their joints that have made a potential flow, that have given strength to movement. Related to life itself, to society, you will be able to understand that structures and systems, allow for order so that things do not break, or remain loose and meaningless, so they are coherent to life, they are necessary, since in turn, systemic structures, traditions, cultures, societies, can flow, move, evolve through patterns. You can see in this way that flexibility, to find coherence, will always need patterns and structures, and a structure and patterns will always need flexibility so as not to break.
Flexible Systems. Fluid Structures.   Let’s learn from our structures, discover our flow systems.

Perhaps there is something in your life that you would identify as rigid, a structure you move inside of, or feel protected/confined by. Take a moment, and look at that structure like a skeleton supporting movement in a particular way. Can we develop a relationship with the rigid structure like a partnership? Like learning how to walk, then run, then ride a bike; using our sense of leverage and balance allows us to flow with flexibility with structure.
As we understand our own biology in this way more deeply, perhaps we will be more appreciative of the structure in our life that supports us and our growth. As simple as recognizing how our schedules support our organization of time and productivity. Or as complex as recognizing those relationships that are not “easy” as supporting our growth in some really important way.

I’ve been hearing that we are entering a new phase of evolution on the planet. One that will bring us to a massive review of our beliefs, will bring both division and collaboration. We are now contributing to the future design of patterns and structure here. Let’s tend our axis, our stability and flexibility. Let’s look for those people and situations that align with us and allow the evolution of Life!

Home. We are always at home.
When I was 8, I wanted a bicycle. So my Mom bought flats of Lifesavers and gum, and my older sister and I walked from door to door selling them for $.25 a piece. When I had saved up $8, we went to the Flea Market and I got a bike. It was teal colored and had a kind of shelf over the back tire to sit a bag or crate. Now I needed to learn how to ride a two wheeler.

I had been practicing for a while, with someone holding that shelf bracket in the back and doing okay as long as they were there. One day my Mom was holding on running along behind and after a minute as I heard her telling me “Keep going” I realized her voice sounded far away. She had let go and I was riding by myself!! I guess she knew if I thought she was still holding on I would feel safer, more relaxed.

What if, most everything we “learn” we were actually remembering. How much better we can access what we are “re-membering” or reconnecting with, if we are open to it? When I thought my Mom was there, I didn’t have the chatter in my head telling me I was going to fall and hurt myself, or that I looked stupid with the handle bars wiggling back and forth. I didn’t feel alone.

Truth is, we are alone in this life, and we are never alone. Like planets hurling through space we are each on our very own orbit, as other “planets” are in their orbit. We literally are at home in ourself, our body, mind and spirit. We may not always feel at home with ourself though. Early stages of development in nature, begins with mimicking. We hear sounds and imitate, see movement and copy. As we grow, we naturally move out of that practice a bit and into one of initiation, exploration, and creativity. First survival, then sustain, then regenerate!

Establishing the sense of being at home with ourselves, takes practice and helpful support from those around us. Like my Mom helping me feel the weight and balance of my own body as I pedaled my bike. “Keep going” is part of the goal. As we encourage ourselves and each other to continue we offer a vote of confidence. Self mastery does not come from following others, although that may be very supportive at times. Self mastery can only develop from knowing oneself, which takes patience, perseverance and vulnerability along with movement, action, and risk. We get comfortable with ourselves by becoming familiar with the shadows and the light and looking curiously for the value of each. What gifts do they bring? What are their practical uses? How else can we use them for support and growth?

I did learn how to ride a two wheel bike, despite my own self doubt. My Mom would not let me quit and here’s the kicker. She never knew how to ride a bike herself! I love you Mom. Thank you for being willing to support my growth, beyond your own. I will do my best to emulate your courage, tenacity, and caring.

My invitation to you? Take a moment to sit quietly and allow a remembrance of a time or situation when you grew in a way you didn’t know you could. Think about how that might play out in your life now.

We are each living our best self at any given moment. The quality of that moment hinges on our access to balance and awareness. 

I ask myself, how am I being supported now? And am I paying attention to that support? Am I connecting with my own true “home”? And as I think this, I am home.

Although my mother “changed addresses” from this place 14 years ago, she is still a part of me. She had a tremendous influence over how I saw the world around me and inside me too. You never know how you will influence another in your path, but for sure; we all do. In her efforts to help me develop my conscience, she used to say “If everyone did what you do, would the world be a better place?” This probably was related to my cutting corners, or not following the rules or agreements within the family unit. It is tempting to think that “just this once” or “no one will care/know/find out.” It is definitely a stage in maturation to come to terms with accountability and responsibility for oneself. What I could let myself off the hook for isolated to just me, didn’t work when I considered this question of hers.

There is a darkness and separation that comes with the thought or belief that “what I do doesn’t really matter” and it’s like sourdough starter; it is very influential! This is one of the ways we give our power away, by not owning it, claiming the choices we do have and focusing on the ones we don’t have.

It’s also important to know the distinction between “freedom” and “reaction” although the visible action observed may appear the same or similar. Freedom operates independently. Reaction operates dependently. You see?

A child in the stage of life known as the “terrible two’s” is learning their power though opposition, by saying “No” to any direction. And the use of child psychology would allow someone to play with the direction, to influence the response. This is clearly based on the constant dependency in reaction. However, when someone individuates and becomes their “own person” we see their separation or surrender of dependency show up. We might describe them as someone who is mature, grounded, or confident.

How does that happen? How do we “get there”? Clearly it is not hinged on the chronological number of years we refer to as “age”. It is something else.

Reflecting back over my own life, this maturation was preceded by the discontent of the norm. The awareness of it’s obsolescence or corruption or injustice. I reached a gut wrenching point when I just couldn’t “go along with it” any more. And then I would think “there’s got to be a better way”. This moment is pivotal; it’s magic! It’s also tricky and risky and uncertain to figure it out on our own!! Without following along or getting someone else’s stamp of approval. What if it’s wrong or ridiculed or we are rejected for it?? Yep, that’s right. Those things could happen. And at some point they will. Some would say “Don’t get too hung up on failure.” Isn’t that pretty much how we each learned to walk!? Think about that for a moment…

We all have accomplished many, many things. Been victorious – survived countless hazards and dangers in our lifetime! And, there is no end to the possibilities left for us to learn.
This theme has been up for me. I’m becoming aware of and exploring how many different ways things might be handled. My grown daughter is withholding her contribution to paying rent. And although this change brings many emotions into the dynamics in the home, I have the opportunity to choose how I am with that. To look at the options available, what my values and goals include that will weigh in on the choice I make. She is doing “her” and I get to do “me”. Yes there is influence that we each have on the other, but we are here to choose our own experiences.

At the moment I am in the “great gestation” of the next birthing, I am swimming in the pool of different emotions like fear, anger, sadness; reflections, desires, and choosing the next stand I will take. And all the while tending to the fire of everyday life. I am invited to practice holding my own core and nurturing it with rest and beauty and love. I have another opportunity to consider my mothers wise words and choose for myself what I express into the energetic fabric of the planet.

And, astrologically, May will be a very different month for us. Four planets will be “out of bounds” which basically means they will be outside the ruling of the Sun. Venus, Mars, Mercury, and the Moon; all on their own, so to speak. They will embody a free, creative, unpredictable energy similar to Uranus. The probability for this is around 1%. In addition, Jupiter will ingress into Pisces for two and a half months bringing a much needed restoration of faith and optimism. Then it goes retrograde in June and then back into Aquarius in July until 2022 when it moves into Pisces for a year. 

What could we do with this opportunity?
How could this influence things?
What relationship with influence do we have or could we foster?
What’s showing up in our lives now that we can respond to in a supportive way?

Interesting question, or is it a ridiculous one? Let’s think on this.

Whenever I glimpse a scene from a space movie where the astronauts are floating and unsteady in their movements, I appreciate gravity. On the other hand, I have fallen and been hurt – more so when I was a kid of course. The point though is that gravity is not a “problem” because we sometimes use faulty measurements in our movements and feel pain as a result. Once we learn as tiny humans to find our balance with it, we can run free, we find our power with it. And so it goes with all problems or conflicts.

So it might be accurate to say that problems or conflicts generate energy to feed and motivate growth, necessary growth; like walking as an example.

Maybe, the “problem” is thinking of it as a problem?

The word problem comes from the Greek “pro” (front) and “balein” (throw). Throw something forward, hard. The word problem, in your current concept, is rooted in something that prevents you from moving forward freely, and that it is necessary to resolve, from the Latin “re” (to return, again) and “solvere” (to let go). That is, the resolution of a problem lies in releasing what has been launched so as not to be dragged by it. The concept can be understood as having thrown something by doing, without coherence or purpose. The problems, then, are those things that you throw into life and that you must later learn to let go of or find neutrality with.Problems create conflicts, conflicts awaken energy, and energy feeds the body, soul and spirit to move forward, releasing its previous state, causing the resolution of the problem. (Thank you Matias deStephano, YoSoy.Red blog.)

How different would it be if we shifted our perspective? If we encountered issues in our lives as a call to growth, as a facilitator of expansion; and saw the same for those around us – how differently that would feel. It is said that competition in it’s purest form is healthy and respectful, that each opponent supports and facilitates the other’s best performance, and that it is an honor to encounter a worthy opponent in your travels as you will be assured to rise to your highest abilities. What a clean perspective. (Thank you Dan Millman, author Way of The Peaceful Warrior.)

The twist that comes into the picture is when we introduce the idea of victimization, a disconnected perspective of powerlessness and isolation. With this as the basis, one is in a weakened position, that is a disadvantage. This topic is easier to see from a clear distance, without emotions like fear and anger. Which is why I love to take time and reflect, to expand my thoughts and look at my feelings from a safe neutral space. You too?
If we couple this perspective of what a problem is, with the new moon energy of renewal, rebirth, and seeding our future; it feels very potent! Whatever response we choose (consciously or unconsciously) we can expect to encounter situations inside of ourselves as well as outside of us, that are conflicts.

The question is, how will we recognize the true leverage of the situation? How can we support our growth and well being in these encounters? And how might we soothe ourselves in the discomfort that may be present? What can we put into place in preparation for these encounters that will add to our buoyancy?
This is the perspective that gets juicy for me! This way of thinking feels spacious inside, and rich.