Personal Independence

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I am in the afterglow of a much needed 5 day retreat focused in nature, beginning in silence, and moving into the inner realms of listening and deep rest. I met many aspects of my shadow and had an opportunity to practice presence in a beautiful and safe container. My tendency to respond to new social settings with reluctance to speak first and waiting to see how things go, to assess the situation was also present. With my awareness of this pattern, I then got to witness my own judgments about the pattern. And that I was holding expectations that I would be more at ease and in the flow, more trusting and open, and more self assured. There were many aspects of discomfort in one way or another, that illustrated how I generally respond. Suffice it to say my general theme is to protect my heart, or close it to some degree. All the while wanting connection with others that is heartfelt and authentic.

Supported by so many wise, mature people in this circle; I explored the practice of staying present rather than “protective” within myself whenever I was in some kind of edgy situation as often as I could manage. Authenticity is the goal, and is compromised when I edit or try to hide something I am not pleased about myself. Being aware of my vulnerability and allowing it to be present takes great courage. It was put to the test at one group exercise when we were asked to share what we don’t want others to know about us, for ten minutes! And the further instruction was to NOT prepare before our turn so that it would be live and spontaneous. Oh another edge! I really have consistently believed that preparedness is protection.

Remembering why I chose to come to this event, I did my best to show up as invited. After my share, I was visited by intense regret, criticism, and shame. Then I reflected on a comment I had heard earlier in the program about that role our mind plays. That it’s always going, coming up with dialogue and opinion. It was described like a “Labrador puppy” that sometimes you just have to say “drop it”. There is nothing that can be solved or benefited by my inner dialogue about my share and how it was or wasn’t; so I said to myself “Drop it!” and it went quiet for a bit. I felt calm again. And although much like a corrected puppy who drops the shoe we have caught them with, it was later picked up again a few times. Each time I said “drop it” and puppy training was in progress… And just like with a little puppy, there was no ridicule involved because we all know what puppies are like and don’t hold it against them.

In this intentional container I played with things like remembering my willingness and staying present using my breath to bridge the connection, and slowing down supports my listening. Listening to my body allows me access to infinite intelligence interested in my well being and happiness. In this way I can claim my sovereign role of co-creating my experiences in my life. This is the authentic empowered state I want to live in and have love be alive for me.

What a gift to have the opportunity to explore this terrain and walk away with some real experiences as my internal reference to be used as tools going forward. I know the nature of being alive brings a variety of opportunities to practice awareness of my patterns in play, the choice point in response, and remembering my willingness which quickly re-centers me in alignment.