Every person has “evidence” that they are wrong about something. There are many variables that will influence the development of self-identity. But it is trauma, chronic trauma that can create a long lasting imprint on our belief system that we “are” wrong. In my case, I grew up the youngest in a home with much trauma history before I arrived. It was unresolved when I arrived so I came into the ongoing scenario as it continued to unfold. Raised in a religious practice that was organized in a limiting and “protective” structure, I think it was the perfect set-up for what came next.
In my young adult life, I realized what some of the benefits had been. I had felt insulated from making mistakes or taking risks. Having moved out of that organization, I had “freedom” but I no longer had insulation from dangerous influences, and I was ill-prepared. My template of “I’m doing it wrong” just expanded! I hadn’t developed self confidence, so boundary setting was near impossible, save the extreme cases of life or death; which of course reinforced evidence that I was “wrong” because not exercising clear boundaries is problematic.
Decision making was so hard. Whatever I would think was the way to go, would be met with “Are you sure? You know you’re always wrong” or “I must be wrong so I should choose the opposite way”. All the while feeling the pressure of adult life and circumstances holding me accountable. It just seemed to wrap around and around until there is no way to unwind the ball of string that is now completely overwhelming. And, time moves on; life finds a way; each day is a new opportunity to begin again.
Recently, when working with my feelings of “stuckness” in a relationship, I realized the stuckness was not the “other person’s” influence really. I could easily argue with facts that it was, but I also knew that this pattern was in place with other relationships, different times, places and people. Ah, that’s so telling…!
That’s when I identified this piece about my self identity of being “wrong” and how I was attached to that idea in such a way that it literally paralyzed me from taking any steps toward change. Even though I was experiencing valid harm, it wasn’t life threatening so it wasn’t justifiable to change it. I have adapted to a condition of disappointment, invalidation, not expecting “too much”. And by these standards, have arrived at a pseudo safety, or stabilization. A place of little to no risk (I tell myself) because this person won’t leave, I can continue to put up with whatever they dish out because “I know how, I’m strong”. Oh, and along the way there is a creeping shame element that comes in as well.
Now, obviously; none of us would intentionally choose to hold onto this kind of belief. And it is tangled up with other biological needs for survival and beliefs about social or societal rejection which unchecked can feel life threatening. So with the clear intention of Self-Care, of accepting challenges for the valid gift that they are, and honoring the intelligence of the Universe, Source, Ancestors, etc., I am willing to “be” with this new clarity. I am choosing to expand my awareness to include this pattern AND learn from the information it has to offer me. I am willing to feel the sadness that practicing this has been protecting me from by disguising it as a justifiable disappointment. I am willing to feel the injustice of the situation I am a part of. Just feel it – without giving my power away with blame or future tripping. To allow myself to be present to what is right here right now and not diffuse it or mask it any longer.
I will ask for help from an experienced person that I trust completely.
I will grow into my full Self, my fullest potential, my purpose for being here this lifetime.
I will have clarity about those around me without blame and with clear boundaries – to benefit both of us.
I will say “yes” to happiness, self respect, self confidence, and personal power.
I will welcome being alone.
I will release my dependence on others’ approval.
I will empower myself and through that course, others in the process.