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Am I Wrong

Every person has “evidence” that they are wrong about something. There are many variables that will influence the development of self-identity. But it is trauma, chronic trauma that can create a long lasting imprint on our belief system that we “are” wrong. In my case, I grew up the youngest in a home with much trauma history before I arrived. It was unresolved when I arrived so I came into the ongoing scenario as it continued to unfold. Raised in a religious practice that was organized in a limiting and “protective” structure, I think it was the perfect set-up for what came next.

In my young adult life, I realized what some of the benefits had been. I had felt insulated from making mistakes or taking risks. Having moved out of that organization, I had “freedom” but I no longer had insulation from dangerous influences, and I was ill-prepared. My template of “I’m doing it wrong” just expanded! I hadn’t developed self confidence, so boundary setting was near impossible, save the extreme cases of life or death; which of course reinforced evidence that I was “wrong” because not exercising clear boundaries is problematic.

Decision making was so hard. Whatever I would think was the way to go, would be met with “Are you sure? You know you’re always wrong” or “I must be wrong so I should choose the opposite way”. All the while feeling the pressure of adult life and circumstances holding me accountable. It just seemed to wrap around and around until there is no way to unwind the ball of string that is now completely overwhelming. And, time moves on; life finds a way; each day is a new opportunity to begin again.

Recently, when working with my feelings of “stuckness” in a relationship, I realized the stuckness was not the “other person’s” influence really. I could easily argue with facts that it was, but I also knew that this pattern was in place with other relationships, different times, places and people. Ah, that’s so telling…!

That’s when I identified this piece about my self identity of being “wrong” and how I was attached to that idea in such a way that it literally paralyzed me from taking any steps toward change. Even though I was experiencing valid harm, it wasn’t life threatening so it wasn’t justifiable to change it. I have adapted to a condition of disappointment, invalidation, not expecting “too much”. And by these standards, have arrived at a pseudo safety, or stabilization. A place of little to no risk (I tell myself) because this person won’t leave, I can continue to put up with whatever they dish out because “I know how, I’m strong”. Oh, and along the way there is a creeping shame element that comes in as well.

Now, obviously; none of us would intentionally choose to hold onto this kind of belief. And it is tangled up with other biological needs for survival and beliefs about social or societal rejection which unchecked can feel life threatening. So with the clear intention of Self-Care, of accepting challenges for the valid gift that they are, and honoring the intelligence of the Universe, Source, Ancestors, etc., I am willing to “be” with this new clarity. I am choosing to expand my awareness to include this pattern AND learn from the information it has to offer me. I am willing to feel the sadness that practicing this has been protecting me from by disguising it as a justifiable disappointment. I am willing to feel the injustice of the situation I am a part of. Just feel it – without giving my power away with blame or future tripping. To allow myself to be present to what is right here right now and not diffuse it or mask it any longer.

I will ask for help from an experienced person that I trust completely.

I will grow into my full Self, my fullest potential, my purpose for being here this lifetime.

I will have clarity about those around me without blame and with clear boundaries – to benefit both of us.

I will say “yes” to happiness, self respect, self confidence, and personal power.

I will welcome being alone.

I will release my dependence on others’ approval.

I will empower myself and through that course, others in the process.

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Every Step is Part of the Journey

Life has become very full and very fast. I have several collaborative and intentionally restorative relationships that I am active in, and of late I have been made aware of a theme. It has to do with respect, or rather not feeling that I am being respected. I am aware that this theme has been a long time companion of mine through many circumstances, ages, and relationships. To be clear, I practice accommodation, I habitually accommodate the needs of others.

I realize it has helped me keep the “peace”, to smooth things over, and stabilize situations for myself and others that I care about. And, I am continually in the position to accommodate others who don’t keep agreements to show up or who cut corners. As long as I am willing to accommodate, there will be a reliance on me to do so. Now, I’m beginning to understand that my respect and willingness to support others’ needs is in some ways a disrespect and lack of support for me. I need to find a new dance step or new partners to dance with!! As with most things, I realize that I hold the power; the power of awareness, choice within any situation. This is not about blaming the other or the circumstance; aka. a pity party.

Have you ever felt like you’d really like to learn something or pursue a career in a particular area, or follow a calling, except that life circumstances won’t permit it? And have you ever challenged that? Like, why not? Who’s stopping you? Well, I have and it turns out in my case, that I am the one stopping me. I’m stopping me from branching out, expanding or exploring because of how my absence will impact others or how I will meet resistance. It’s clear to me that my self respect hasn’t been adequate and that is the missing piece, rather than others’ lack of respect for me. But how does that work?

When I operate in the world from a belief system )conscious or not) that I am inadequate, not worthy, or other labels like these, I become aligned with that energy. In a Nature example I might put out the “Omega” vibe rather than the other end of the spectrum the “Alpha” vibe. This is only for illustrative purposes. I’m not suggesting that instead I pretend or act as if; although I have no judgement if that works for others. What I am suggesting is that I align myself with my own respect, without a dependency on other to do so for me to feel respected. Such as, notice my emotional or physical feelings after a scenario unfolds, to notice the subtle ques in my body and heart. Maybe something is feeling unresolved and my mind is turning it over and over as if to figure out “what’s wrong”. This may be an indicator that I have something to take a look at on my part that was injurious in some way to the other, or to myself. And, it may be a situation where I have not spoken of my needs or boundaries that resulted in them not being recognized. With that awareness I can identify what might have worked better and be ready the next time. I might also choose to use this as a learning experience and communicate how I’m feeling to my friend or colleague. It is a bit vulnerable but an open-hearted investment into the relationship. And it’s fair to note that some relationships are not at a level of significance for this type of investment.

With my awareness and attention to my-Self, I can also review and renew my role as primary sovereign and check how I have been respecting myself. How DO I respect myself? I know it is not my intention to form a hard exterior. That would only hold me in jail inside. I want to cultivate and maintain an identity that is beyond the limits of my personality or chronological age. I want it to encompass my soul and spirit, my values, what I stand for and hold that as my guide posts of what I align to and hold myself accountable for.

How do YOU respect yourself?

This level of curiosity, awareness, and personal responsibility can be challenging at times. It causes a dip in energy and perspective; we might not be feeling as loving or optimistic as other times. This is certainly true for me. And when I’m in a low point, I want to have tenderness and respond with love and compassion rather than to try quick fixes or try to hide it while stuffing it deeper inside. I want to remind myself that I came here for a reason, I matter, I am valid and worthy just by “being” – and not because of what I do, produce, or are approved of by others. This, this is also part of my journey here and part of what I am here to learn. This is an essential part of the freedom and autonomy I seek. In some ways it actually facilitates what it is I am dreaming of and calling in, it helps ready me to receive that which I deeply desire. “I am willing. I say YES to life. I am open to learning how to connect, understand and cherish myself with the love and respect I deserve.”