I have been looking at my own patterns in response to discomfort. Primarily, psychological and emotional discomfort – the kind that comes up in the midst of conflicts and awkward stuck points in social settings when I feel injustice but am so thrown by it that I don’t know what to say and I hold my judgments about it, inside.
I recently had an experience in a social setting where one person dominated the dialog with opinions, projections and story. I felt like there was no opportunity for anyone else to speak! Yes, I had judgments about the behavior, and then I had judgments about my having judgements! I was so busy with the dialogue in my head that I basically seized up and felt very uncomfortable. My takeaway was “This is the wrong group for me.” Clearly I was not aligned with this environment.
After much time sifting and sorting this out for myself and speaking with a person I respect, who has much more experience with groups and their dynamics; it became clear to me that yes I was misaligned but it was primarily the result of my lack of skill and misplaced expectations. Let me explain.
My expectation was based on a belief structure that I wasn’t even aware of. I was operating with the perspective that others need to be aware of my needs and invite or allow me to express myself. From that perspective, what I was experiencing was “unfair”. From another perspective though, I could have identified as “equal” and used my voice to say what I needed or communicate what I was feeling in terms of myself or the group impact. Something like “Hey friends, I’m noticing the time and I’d like to hear from everyone.”
The personal work I’ve been doing with Internal Family Systems (IFS) is growing my familiarity with different parts of myself and seeing how these parts all have the goal of my survival. IFS is helping me find more space, peace, and in some cases; harmony. I see these different parts, perhaps the result of the long standing affects of “colonization”. The structure put in place long ago whereby an authority is established that determines the rules and grants others permission for things.It also requires a disconnection from the self/body/emotions in order to “fit in” or be acceptable.
My current interests are to transition to a culture of a healthy community approach. A community where all parts count, are listened to, allowed space to be without harsh criticism, hostile judgements. But instead cultivating a curiosity open to finding new and better ways of doing things focused on alignment and support of a thriving Life on this planet and in these bodies; with ourselves and each other.
The list of social injustice includes discrimination related to race, gender, age, religion/spiritual beliefs, politics, economic status, etc. Perhaps the reason the list is growing, reflects the influence of an increased consciousness resulting in free-speech, the internet, expansion of legal rights and their consequences; in short increased freedoms. Now more than ever, we need to find truly loving supportive ways to express what’s inside from a responsible, calm, and grounded place. We need to honor the truth coming from a connection to Spirit inside us; without the impulse to power over or withdraw.
I watched a video recording recently of a live zoom event dedicated to making a safe place for truth-telling and deep personal expression in the interest of education and healing. It was sobering, intensely heart felt and heart opening, and a beautiful model of techniques and use of words in holding space where repressed trauma and injustice has occurred. I have added the link (here) and ask that if this topic resonates with you even a little, that you set aside the 30 minutes to view it.
In summary, I see myself as a spirit having a human experience influenced by the world around me, ancestral grief, and a limited experience with the intricacies of my inner workings. As I increase my positive affirmations of I am enough, I trust myself, I love myself, I am wisdom, I am truth, I am authenticity; there is also surrender, humility and a need to slow down and listen. Listen to myself (or parts of self), and others – without acting quickly to fix or alter to fit my expectations
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