The word “independence” is a powerful one. Does it conjure images of strength, power, confidence, self sufficiency, or determination for you? It might also convey a sense of the end of dependency or vulnerability too. What is it for you personally? How does one use it in balance to contribute harmony?
I’d like to share my perspective and look forward to hearing from you what yours is.
First, it brings to mind the opposite of dependency and there is a safety that I feel. A self-actualization, a freedom of movement and anonymity to be myself. Second, I connect it to an over-correction of dependency that actually disconnects me from my heart so that I feel “safe” from hurt or disappointment, like a pseudo-strength or sense of power that ultimately can be very restrictive and contracted.
Our definition and use of this word can vary widely. Turns out, like most things in Nature, there is a third or balancing component to the polar opposite of dependent – independent, and that is interdependent. Much like the balance of a three legged stool, or breathing in – breathing out and the space between the in and out; there are the less obvious aspects of balance all around us waiting to be discovered.
We learn about each of these, usually in a particular succession. First as little people, we learn about our dependence on our parents, home, and family for care, protection, learning, and survival. We feel safe (at varying degrees) there. Once we move past surviving and knowing more about how to keep ourselves safe, we long for independence. We may start exploring with types of rebelling or branching out as individuals to cultivate this further. We look for ways to prove to ourselves and others that we are able to express our independence. And then, in many ways, we realize that we not only want and need a sense of independence but also belonging, contribution, and community. We know that life is richer and more vivid when it is shared. At this point, we may choose to discover the middle way of interdependence; the space where two or more people are able to be independent in taking care of their own needs but also choose to acknowledge their connections and collaborations also.
I’m afraid I’ve made this sound all too neat and tidy. It was not so in my experience! I struggled with feelings of dependency and the pseudo-safety I felt it gave me, well into my twenties. I would seriously question and doubt myself, my abilities to keep myself safe, and settled on a life/relationship strategy that was based on making myself valuable to others so they wouldn’t leave me. This has worked as a strategy – but has had negative consequences like; giving more than receiving, emotional and physical exhaustion, as well as resentment that my needs are not respected or cared for. I have learned more recently that this imbalance has also contributed to physical pain and limitation. Mind you, this was NOT my conscious goal! But it has been an incredible learning experience that is far more integrated in my heart and soul than anything someone was kind enough to “tell” me for my own good. Sometimes the packaging and the gift don’t match.
Now I am intentionally looking for a more sustainable and compassionate definition for myself around healthy balance; personally, physically and in my relationships. I don’t want to continue the pattern of disconnection or isolation that has been mistaken for independence or safety. Likewise, I no longer want to practice dependence in cases where it “lets me off the hook” of taking responsibility for myself. Any over-correction will create disconnection. Disconnection will restrict alignment with Source energy, inspiration, joy; Life. It is not uncommon that we can get stuck in a pattern of over-correction or over-protection and not realize we are at the wheel of our discontent.
Love, Light, Source energy, or God is always and in any circumstance providing for us and, we may not always be receiving. When we feel like we are alone, we disconnect. When we feel rejected or overextended, we may be disconnected. These disconnections are part of a constriction that can result in Perceiving Danger Pain (PDP) or Too Much Stress (TMS) which are correlated to physical limitation, pain, and over taxing our nervous system. Whew, I know this is probably feeling like a lot! So let’s not overextend, but just let it simmer a bit. If you want to reread this again later, great. If you want to just set it down and not stress about the finer details, great. No worries. This is not a test. Just food for thought…