I confess, I can’t always make sense of the way things unfold for me. Part of me really prefers that the “story” make sense; but that just isn’t the way it goes sometimes. I’m more relaxed about that being my experience more often these days. Must be the added practice I’ve been getting…!
Intellectually, I’m sure we all understand how experiencing loss, disappointment, or even trauma; can later be “triggered” or stimulated in a way that reminds us of the feelings or sensations of the past experience in a significant way. When that happens, it is not ACTUALLY happening in the present, and our presence to that detail is an amazing influence to help us through. I got to practice this just yesterday.
I had a long overdue mammogram scheduled. It wasn’t my first one so there was no surprise as to how it goes or the fact that it’s not the most pleasant or comfortable experience. And at the same time, it wouldn’t be confused with an unsafe or dangerous event. I however, had an internal reaction as if I was being accosted. First I was uncomfortable but silent. I was silent because there was no apparent care for how I was feeling about having my boob pulled up down and sideways, then smashed to the fullest extent possible and told to “be still”. Again, intellectually I knew there was nothing out of the ordinary about this process and no intention to harm; I knew it was a memory silhouette that got triggered in me. I was able to be present with both parts of me having a very different experience at the exact same time. And when I got to the changing room I was feeling woozy and weepy; and I just let myself feel it, be completely with the feelings in the moment like a mother and child. After a few minutes it dissipated and I was ready to leave the office and drive myself home.
I’ve done work with these parts from my past that were hurtful. I’m confident that with the new conditioning of my presence in the process and continued education I can increase confidence in my self care and decrease the intensity of the memory. I am open to assistance with healing modalities, teachers, and also realize that it’s my ability to use what I learn; to integrate it, that will be the lasting benefit. The answer is never “out there”. GOD DWELLS WITHIN ME, AS ME.
With so much energy supporting TRANSFORMATION in 2023, I am not surprised that aspects undigested are arising to allow me to heal, digest or tend them in some way. I think as adults it is sometimes a cultural or social expectation to not have these kinds of issues or triggered experiences. And, each time they do – we have an opportunity to claim our values, support our needs and follow our truest most authentic sense of “response-ability”. I am encouraged to see more and more examples of individuals stepping out of the mold and into a lifestyle that has more heart connection for them despite the courage needed to let go of what is familiar.
We are right on time! All is well…